From the ages of about 5 to 15 there were few things I loved more than dancing. Somewhere towards the end of that period, around the age of 11 or so, I had to admit that it was unlikely that I would ever be good enough to make a life of it, and eventually some recurrent knee issues really put that thought to bed. I like to think that I can still appreciate dance.
But I'm having trouble mastering the steps to the dance I am currently engaged in. This hold on/let go dance of moving, of waiting for a house to sell, of leaving - in painful gradations - people and places I love, of looking for places to fit into in the new place, of leaving room for new people, of managing the emotions, bedtimes, meals, expectations, and needs of our little family. Every day is both rehearsal and performance. Every day requires changes in the choreography.
Today has been a day when it seems the only part of the dance I'm able to execute with any ability is the "hold on" part - and, of course, I think we all know that it is the "let go" part of the dance that earns the applause.
3 comments:
Ah. You are currently engaged in improvisational dance. That can be scary. It may also feel sometimes like a solo, but you have the rest of the company in the wings, and friends in the audience cheering you on! (Sometimes you have to ask to have the house lights turned up to see us all there.) Still hard, I know.
I have not had to make the kind of move you are in the middle of. I resisted that or was lucky enough to have dodged that bullet a couple of times. Even though the "right thing" might be to let go, I so wish you could hold on to all that you love about your home, your friends, all that is familiar.
I've never had the kind of life changes that you're undergoing right now, but I've certainly had some complicated times that involved the Hold on/Let go dance. As I've gotten older, the most helpful thing I've realized is that one doesn't need to be graceful in that dance. It doesn't have to be pretty. The steps will vary day by day, and there will be stumbling...beautiful stumbling. The only rule I abide by now, during complicated times, is "be kind to yourself." And that's my advice to you.
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